Mental break

Waiting for another blog post…

Laura, add more pictures to the blog please..people want to see more.....

How’s Larry?? – haven’t seen a post in awhile….

Taking a mental break is necessary.  Whether you intend to or not.  I will admit, I took one.  I didn’t intend to, it just happened.

I set out to start the blog to inform everyone on all things Larry Richard Matson and chronicle his journey with colon cancer.  What I didn’t intend was for the blog to become ‘therapy’ for me.  The weeks of and following my brother’s diagnosis, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I could not turn my brain ‘off’ enough to relax.  I tried everything with no result.    Then I discovered after I posted a blog and put my computer to sleep, I found my mind more willing to shut off and relax.  So, I made it my nightly ritual – come home from the hospital or from spending time with my brother, turn my computer on, download pictures and blog. (some nights there might have been an extra step of pouring a glass of wine-or 3)  I slowly started to sleep a couple of hours, which led to eating a little bit more and then slowly started to venture out and have lunch or dinner with a friend.

Then my brother recovered from his surgery, we met with the oncologist and a chemo plan was set.  He started chemo and I started work.  Again, sleepless nights snuck up on me again, I HATED not being with him everyday.  But I had a new job with other people depending on me and I quickly got into the routine of work.  My brother made it easy on me because he tolerated chemo so well.  The day he would go in for chemo was hard, but the days after and in between were easier – he was working and feeling ‘normal’.

The normal routine felt good to me, it allowed me to think of other things than the c word.  It allowed me to text my brother about other things than ‘how are you feeling today?  Did you poop? are you tired? Feel nausesous? It felt good to Lar too. 

I didn’t realize that the blog was not in my ‘normal’ routine.  At first, I made the excuse that I didn’t have time to update it and I consciously believed that.  I met the initial task of informing everyone – I updated the blog after every chemo treatment or event, but I realized that I didn’t use it for therapy anymore.  Larry once yelled at me, “I’m not a fuck*ng charity case”.  Part of that anger included this blog.  If he didn’t have cancer there would be no larrysoxcancer.blogspot.com.  Although he wanted his friends/family informed, the blog was a difficult concept for him-it made his diagnosis real.  As the blog entries became less frequent, the more ‘normal’ he felt.  My normal routine was enough to put me to sleep, and to eat and to be social I didn’t need the blog, and neither did my brother.

This realization came to me today.  As we parked the car, walked on the pedway, got off the elevator and entered Dr. Stein’s office for Larry’s 6^th and final chemo treatment.  It ALL came flooding back to me.  We were on a break.  You know the famous Friend’s episode when Ross and Rachel were on a break?  My brother and I (and I'm sure most of my family) were on a cancer break – a break from non-stop cancer.  I know he lives with it every day of his life, but it was manageable, there were no variables, there was a schedule in place, he tolerated the chemo with little effect.  There were dinners, baseball games, parties, a wedding, walks, everything that’s a part of a 'normal' life. 

Twelve weeks of a reasonable break and routine. 

I am so grateful for that mental break we were allowed to take- grateful for Larry’s body tolerating the chemo so we could, grateful for family and friends that allowed us to celebrate- the large and the small. 

I am grateful for today-it made me stop, think and name this mental break we have been on because folks, I am officially off that break and ready to go!  The break, although unintended and unnamed for 12 weeks, has allowed me to charge up my mental strength while we head into the next inning of the game -Larry’s cancer game.

Sitting in Dr. Stein’s office and listening to our next step quickly snapped me out of this break and back into information gatherer, questioner, protector and blogger!  My brother has cancer dammit and I'm going to write about it.

So here is the game plan for the top of the 3^rd –

Larry’s levels were good enough for him to have his 6^th chemo treatment.  He will take the White blood cell booster shot on Friday, along with the Clartin.  There’s nothing new there.

In two weeks, he will go in for a CT scan that will scan his entire body for tumors.  We will then meet with Dr. Stein the following day to go over the results. 

If there are no tumors, we will go see Dr. Salti for a surgical consult.  He is the doctor that will perform the ‘chemo bath’.  That would happen sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I’ve talked about the chemo bath before- see previous posts for an explanation.

If the scan shows tumor(s) one of two things could happen –

If the tumor can be reached with surgery than he will have surgery to remove the tumor AND the chemo bath in one shot.  If the tumor is not reachable, than he will most likely start radiation and another round of chemo, before he goes through the chemo bath.

Again, it all depends on the results of the CT scan.  Both Dr. Stein and Dr. Salti will weigh in on the decision for the next step.  And as always, we are very confident in any decision that those two will make.

Here are a few pictures from today.  I wanted to REALLY celebrate his last treatment and as many of you know I don’t do things small.  I didn’t tell my brother that I took the day off to join him at chemo.  I wanted to surprise him with a cake, and signs and maybe a balloon or two-but my mom said absolutely not.  I think my brother was grateful for my mom’s decision.  It was hard enough for him to take these pictures.

Thank you to everyone for allowing us to take a mental break - sometimes you just need to...

Sox it to it Lar...