Larry Sox it to it

(this was suppose to post Sunday night…sorry!)

Dear Brother,

            

Tomorrow you get your Super port removed.  Yes, it has reached its expiration date of 1.5 years so it has to come out.  But there are no plans to replace it.  No appointment to be made.  No hassle of fasting for 8 hours.  There’s no anything. Because all signs of cancer have left your body.  You are 6 months cancer-free.  Three CAT scans and multiple blood tests have shown there is no cancer growing in your body.  I cannot believe I am typing those words.  I can’t type them without tears effortlessly falling from my eyes.  For the first time since your diagnosis they are happy tears.  They are tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of remembrance, tears for you and everything you have been through.

When I got your text letting me know that Dr. Stein placed the order for the port to come out, I was shocked by my reaction.  My expectation was that I would want to call everyone I knew and tell them the good news.  But instead I put my phone down and stared into space…… This was the last step in your cancer treatment plan.  If everything went as planned – 2 rounds (12 treatments) of brutal chemo treatments, a colonoscopy (the irony), a HIPEC surgery, and 3 CAT scans (one every 2 months)-  you would get your port out.  The SUPER port that was your life-line for a year and 5 months.  It pumped the awful chemo through your veins…. the chemo that saved your life.  The last step of your treatment is here.

In my ‘Larry’s cancer notebook’ that I started the night we found out your diagnosis.  (You know the notebook that I whip out at all of your appointments – the notebook that holds the million questions I ask, and the countless hours of research I did).  I have a page dedicated to LARRY'S TREATMENT PLAN.  I placed boxes next to each step that Dr. Stein mapped out for us.  It felt so good to place a check mark next to the step that you finished.  It was quite therapeutic!

 þ 1^st round of chemo

Well, tomorrow I will place my last check mark into the last box:

 þ Remove Super port

Why is this step so difficult for me??  I am so happy, but I don’t know what to do next.  Do I place the check mark in the box and put away your cancer notebook?  The notebook has been a figure on my coffee table for 17 months, The notebook that has traveled with me wherever I go…just in case. Just in case I hear something that I need to remember about your cancer/your doctor/your treatment, just in case I talk with someone that has valuable cancer information that we’ll need, just in case you call and need something, just in case I get a call and your back in the hospital, just in case…. 

When will the ‘just in case’ feeling go away???  When will I fully believe that you beat the 3% odds that I was given when you were first diagnosed.  When will I feel confident that I can put that notebook away and it stays on the shelf forever?  That I will NEVER have to open it again.

 As our text conversation continued I was relieved that you were feeling the same way…..

“It just feels weird, 17 months ago I had stage IV cancer and now the last thing connected to treatment is coming out….But I know it’s a great positive thing drs say it’s time….just don’t want to jinx things”

……Because to tell you the truth, brother, I was feeling like a pretty shitty sister.  Why couldn’t I just be happy that you are now cancer-free and forget about the ‘just in case’ why couldn’t I be confident that the notebook was going to stay on the shelf FOREVER???? 

I have dreamed of this day…longed for the day that the doctors would say you were cancer-free.  That day is finally here, brother.  YAY!!!!  In honor of this very special occasion I have put together some helpful thoughts that I have gathered through my many hours of research:

• -       - As we know, when bad things happen, the pain fades with time.  I think this fear of recurrence will fade with time.  We need to allow ourselves to take that time.
• -       - For the past 17 months you have put your life on hold and put all of your energy into fighting cancer.  You don’t need to do that anymore.  Live your life!  Do everything you have put on hold. 
• -      - Your story has inspired so many – share it!  Advocate!  Keep telling people to get a colonoscopy – say it loud and proud brother!  (sorry mom I know it embarrasses you)
• -      - You are still a part of the medical community – please stay on top of your doctor’s appointments
• -      - There are so many survivor support groups, because many people acknowledge this is a hard stage in the cancer game – join one. 

Tomorrow is a big day…. I’ll be thinking of you.   For the first time in 17 months you will walk out of Northwestern Hospital without a return date.  With NO plans to return until you have a routine check-up. 

Hold your head up high, brother.  As you walk down that long hallway to the parking garage know you are walking out of that hospital a better man, a stronger man.  You have many admirers of your strength - mind, body and soul.  Your biggest admirer, me, will be here for you.  Lean on me as I will you. 

Just so you know, I will need to keep my notebook on my coffee table for awhile as a remembrance of what we went through and how we got through it.   And if we need it again, it’s okay.  You have already proven that you can “sox it to it”.

Love you brother,

Sister