A lost post

I just saw that one of my posts from April 17th(the night before Lar's CT scan) did not post.  Apparently, me and Blogger are still fighting.  So, here it is....

When I was a boy, and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers, you will always find people who are helping" - Mr. Rogers

As a child, I feel like I learned from watching Mr. Roger's neighborhood, I never thought I would continue to learn from him in adulthood.  

In times that make you question humanity (the Boston Marathon bombing, cancer diagnosis, etc.) we search to make sense of it all.  Our humanly instinct is to try and find the answer to the 'why'.  Why would someone place 4 bombs in a public place to kill and injury many innocent people?  Why did my brother get cancer?  For many reasons we seek the 'why' to somehow comfort us.  Maybe if we find out the why we feel the act will not be repeated??  If we find the why and the act will not be repeated then we don't have to worry that it will happen again and effect us directly?   

Through my week of reflection, I have gained the perspective of putting my energy into things that I do have control over.  If I get stuck on the why and continually pursue the answer to it, I am wasting important energy that I can place elsewhere.  Yes, they will find the people responsible for the bombing.  Yes, they will find a cure for cancer one day.  But does that answer the why?  Does it give us the comfort we so desperately seek right now?

Mr. Roger's points out that in times like this we should Look for the Helpers.  WOW!  That puts so much into perspective:  

- In times like this seek the positive. There are more people helping than there are bombers and cancer.  There is more good in this world than bad.

- In times like this we all feel vulnerable and need to ask for help in any capacity - that's ok.  

This morning I woke up to the sweet tune of Sweet Caroline playing on the news.  The newscasters were reporting on last night's Yankees game.  During the 7th inning stretch of the game, they played the song in honor of Boston.  You see the Boston Red Sox play the song during the seventh inning stretch of every home game.  It's like THEIR song.  Like Chelsea Dagger is to the Blackhawks.  It was the Yankees organization's way of showing the Bostonians that they were thinking of them.  That they were their helpers.  Such a sentiment coming from one of the biggest rivalries known to sports.

                              Here is the Sweet Caroline Video

                                     

Tomorrow morning, Larry will have a CAT scan and by tomorrow afternoon we will find out if he has any tumors or abnormalities due to his cancer.  This will be a good exercise of seeking the positive and not placing all my energy in the why.  Whether it's good news or bad news putting energy in the 'why' won't help me (it will only help the doctors).  Whether it's good news or bad news I will remain positive because that is how I have chosen to live my life. And whether it's good news or bad news I will feel vulnerable and as Mr. Roger's taught me, I will look for my helpers.  There are plenty of them out there!  I am asking my helpers to put good energy in the air tomorrow.

Sox it to it Lar...

What exactly is Remission???

We are still riding the high of getting the good remission news.  It's still sinking in to most and now I am getting text messages and emails...
What is remission exactly??....  What does Lar do now??

Dr. Stein's explanation of remission to us is there are no cancer cells detected by a CT scan or blood work.  Our hopes are that he is CCF (cancer cell free).  She cannot guarantee that there are no cancer cells in Larry's body.  If there are cancer cells in his body,  they are undetectable at this point.  Another point to make about remission, that I have learned in the past couple days, is that he has absolutely no signs or symptoms of cancer.  He looks great AND feels great.  He actually gained another 2 pounds and is back to his 'fighting' weight.

Now for his next steps... his next scan and blood work is in 2 months and he will remain on that schedule for at least a year.  He is also scheduled for follow-up with Dr. Salti, his surgeon.  I'm sure he is thrilled with the news.  Larry is a part of a HIPEC (the chemo bath surgery he had in December) study that Dr. Salti is involved with.  I'm sure this is the result he and the entire HIPEC community was hoping for :)

Sox it to it Lar...

Remission- his way.

       REMISSION - REMISSION - REMISSION - REMISSION - REMISSION 

Today, we found out that Larry's cancer is in remission.  The long wait was well worth it!  I'm sure you all could hear the HUGE sigh of relief that I breathed when we got the news from Dr. Stein.  When we walked out of the doctor's office my brother broke down and sobbed.  Now, I'm not being the little sister that would once make fun of him for crying (I admit that did happen) I am telling you this because the minute I saw him cry I realized that was the first time he showed any emotion since he was diagnosed in July.  I SO clearly remember July 18th when Dr. Salti came into Larry's hospital room and told us that he had stage IV colon cancer.  My heart dropped to my stomach and I literally lost my breath.  I felt like Mike Tyson punched me dead center in my gut.  Larry asked Dr. Salti, " what is the worst stage?"  From that point on Larry   didn't ask for sympathy, did not feel sorry for himself for one second and when asked what he was going to do, he would reply "FIGHT what else is is there to do?".
For those of you who didn't know, My Way by Frank Sinatra was my dad's all-time favorite song.  And let me tell you, my dad lived his life HIS WAY!  My brother and I even danced to this song at his wedding.  When I saw my brother outside of the doctor's office with tears in his eyes and unable to speak, I couldn't help but think..... He fought stage IV colon cancer HIS WAY!  He fought with his head held high, without missing one day of work (other than what he had to take off), had a positive attitude even at his sickest, without complaining one single time, never looking back, never once showed us how scared he was and did it all with his twisted sense of humor.  He deserved that breakdown - he had held in all of that emotion for 10+ months.  He finally allowed himself to stop and realize what the past 10 months have looked like:

• an unplanned emergency surgery that took 5 ft. of his colon and don't forget his appendix!
• one week later, a trip to the ER and another week stay in the hospital with complications from his first surgery
• surviving many NPOs throughout his hospital stays
• PICC-line installed so his sister and wife could give him antibiotics 3/day for a month
• a mega port installed for chemo and blood draw
• a wedding!
• a Colon Cancer Walk - Larry's Crew you rock!!!
• 5 CT scans - having to drink barium each time and waiting for the results to be told to him
• 2 rounds of chemo (6 hours in the hospital each time and carry a pump for 2 extra days)
• Nuelesta shots when his levels would drop
• HIPEC surgery with a 9 day hospital stay right before Christmas 
• Neurapathy and all the meds that go along with it

My brother amazes me more each time I'm around him.  I am so grateful that he fought colon cancer his way, because I don't know what I would have done if he did it another way. Larry - your strength and courage are beyond what I ever could imagine.  Thank you for showing me your way of dealing with adversity.  I am so damn lucky to call you my brother.  And thank you dad for being the example of how to live your life-MY WAY.

Now, it's time to celebrate - our traditional steak and champagne celebration at my moms awaits me.

Sox it to it Lar....

The waiting game...

We're still waiting.....until Tuesday, May 7th at noon.  We will be meeting with his oncologist, Dr. Stein to go over his scan result.  Dr. Stein had to cancel the original appointment (can you believe her child got sick?? the nerve!), last week Larry then went on a little road trip to Memphis and this week Dr. Stein went on vacation.  So, the 7th it is.  
I will keep you posted.....Have a good weekend!!

Today's Scan

Hi everyone...
It's been a CRAZY day (to say the least) but I wanted everyone to know that my brother had his scan today.  I actually got a text from him just now that he's done.  Unfortunately, his oncologist had to cancel this afternoon's appointment.  UHHH!  So now we wait for the results.  Larry is headed on a little vacation next week so hopefully, we will get the results when he gets back.  I will let you know as soon as we know when that appointment will be rescheduled.

I hope everyone is keeping dry and safe in this crazy weather!

Day 2 Reflection

I want to start by quickly letting you know that Larry is doing well after his last chemo treatment.  A little nauseous but nothing a pill or two can't take care of. He actually stayed home and rested today (that is a rare occurrence). 

Day 2 of my 7th inning stretch of reflection...social media is a good thing.


I spend most of my day helping middle schoolers and their parents navigate the world of social media - Instragram, Facebook, Twitter, Keek, group chat, Youtube, snap chat..the list goes on and on.  Ninety-five percent of my conversations are based on the negative aspects of social media.  How not to bully, how not to post inappropriate pictures, how not to talk to strangers on-line, the problems of looking at porn on youtube at home and staying logged on to your account when you get into school...again the list of how NOT to use social media has been my world for awhile.  In fact, on most days I wish that it would suddenly disappear and we go back to word processors and phones that attach to the wall.

With a little reflection of the past 9 months, I have a new appreciation for social media.  It can be a GOOD thing.  Right now I am able to keep my family, friends and acquaintances updated on my brother's journey with cancer by using a simple blog.  All of you have been able to take this journey along side of Larry through the use of the world wide web.  

I have used social media to stay up-to-date on my cancer research through many cancer chat rooms and blogs.  I can talk to other people going through colon cancer and hear their experiences and also share my brothers.  In one click I can be chatting with a person in the Netherlands that also had the HIPEC surgery.  In another click of the mouse, I can help ease the pain of the 22 year old in Wyoming that is suffering from the affects of the white cell booster shot.    

I have used Facebook and Instagram to quickly post status updates and pictures while we are at the hospital getting treatment or while my brother is in surgery.  The supportive feeling my brother gets when someone 'likes' an update or picture or when someone takes the time to comment on a picture or status update is indescribable.  It means SO very much to know there are people all around the world that are thinking about my brother and sending positive thoughts his way.  To be honest, it's a little overwhelming (in a good way).

Now, I have to share a funny story about how yesterday, social media brought many laughs to my family.  Larry was in the middle of getting his chemo.  I'm not sure I have explained how long he is sitting in a chair while bags and bags of chemo pump through his veins.  6 HOURS!!!!!  I've only sat through a couple of the treatments, but let me tell you it is BORING!  Often times, Larry gets a good nap in the middle of it.  Well, yesterday I decided to capture this nap with a picture.  And of course I posted it.  I do have to say my reasoning behind taking and then posting this picture on facebook and instagram was to give everyone an idea of what it's like to go through chemo.  Here is what I posted:

I didn't see one thing wrong with this collage-I was actually very impressed that I was able to use the frametastic app on my phone.  Many hours after posting said picture, my brother looks on Facebook and sees the wonderful collage that I put together.  I think his exact words were, "LAAAUUUURRRRA you posted a picture of me sleeping???"  "I look awful..like I had a stroke on top of getting chemo".  I started laughing and I could not stop.  My mom got the giggles and could not stop laughing.  My brother at first did NOT find it funny at all!!  But after a couple minutes he joined in on our laughter and we all could not stop.  I don't know if you have had the privilege of hearing my brother giggle, but it truly is one of the best sounds in the world!

Reflection has allowed me to take a minute and step out of my everyday grind with middle schoolers  and realize that social media is and can be a good thing.  I use it everyday in a ways that have profound impact in my world  - I can feel supported with a click of a key, I can keep people updated on my brother's journey with cancer, and sometimes it even provides laughs when you least expect it.  

Sox it to it Lar...

Take Me Out to The Ball Game

Take Me Out to the Ballgame,
Take Me Out With the Crowd,
Buy Me Some Peanuts and Cracker Jacks,
I dont care if I never get back
Let me Root Root Root for the White Sox
If they don't win it's a Shame
For it's
One
Two
Three 
Strikes your out at the ole' ball game.

That's right baseball fans, we've reached the 7th inning stretch in this game against cancer.  FINALLY!!!!! (with a big sigh of relief)  It has taken 9 months to get to this place, but we have arrived.  Today, Larry had the last of his chemo treatments.  If you're keeping score that is 12 treatments in all, with a lil' surgery in between.  That means we are at the end of his treatment plan that was given to us in August : 

one round of chemo 
CAT scan
HIPEC surgery 
one round of chemo 
CAT Scan

The last thing on the list is the CAT scan that will reveal if the chemo was successful.  He will get his scan next Thursday morning and that same afternoon we will meet with the doctors to hear/go over the results.

So now what?  Well, it is the 7th inning...so we stretch.  Stretching means different things for different people.  Some people take this time to head off and grab a beer and a brat, others go to the bathroom while others stay at their seats, stand up and stretch their legs while taking in the smells and sounds of the ballpark. All in anticipation of the next 2.5 innings left in the game.  

In this game against cancer, I did not anticipate that the 7th inning stretch would be so difficult.  Yes, we are at the end of his treatment plan, that should and is a good thing, right?  I just can't stop thinking but now what????  
We have to wait a week to find out if there is currently cancer in my brother's body.  Somewhere in his body, not sure where, or even if it's there at all.  Even if it's not there in a week, when will it return?  Will it return?  How will we know?  What will happen then?  Will the treatment plan be the same?  Will there be more surgeries?  When I see a call from my brother at an odd time, will my heart always race thinking something is wrong?   AHHHH...does this uneasy feeling ever go away?
This is why I am choosing to use this 7th inning stretch as a time of reflection.  If I can look back on the last 9 months and reflect on ways it has changed me as a person, then I can put all of those nagging questions in perspective.  Maybe just maybe it will give me the strength that I know I have to look ahead with a sense of certainty.  Not a naive certainty like, I think everything is going to be great, always.  I mean a sense of certainty that whatever is thrown my way, whatever is thrown my brother's way we can deal with it.

So, here I go.... 
Day 1 of my 7th inning stretch of reflection...learning to live in the moment.

I have learned how to live in the moment and to celebrate even the small things.  Today, we celebrated my brothers last chemo treatment in this current plan.  In November, we also celebrated the end of his first round of chemo.  Some people questioned why, since we aren't celebrating my brother being 'cancer free'.  When you live in the moment you allow yourself to celebrate small milestones.  Heck, you allow yourself to celebrate.period.  During today's celebration, we ate blue frosted cupcakes while my brother was getting his chemo.  I forgot to buy plates so we proceeded to dive into the cupcakes while crumbs fell everywhere.  I looked up from my cupcake and my mom was eating over a bag and my brother had blue frosting all over himself.  I just smiled - now that is a celebration!  If you know my mom you get a chuckle out of this... and if you know my brother you know that's just him.  It was a normal Matson celebration in a not-so-normal setting.  After chemo we had our traditional 'chemo' dinner at my moms.  We, of course, had to celebrate with a champagne toast.  Throughout the night, I laughed so hard my stomach and cheeks hurt and my eyes watered.  That is how you let yourself live in the moment.  and when you allow yourself to live in the moment, you allow yourself to celebrate the small things.  We allowed ourselves to quiet that uneasy feeling if just for a couple hours.  And let me tell you, it felt GREAT!  You should try it sometime.


Sox it to it Lar...